He held the envelope in his hands, debating whether to rip it into shreds or read what she had to say. What would be the point, he thought to himself, anything she had to say would only make him feel worse.
When the letter arrived, he had recognised Elena’s handwriting on the envelope instantly. Even her handwriting was striking; recognisable and captivating. It seemed to draw him in, radiating a hypnotic affect on him.
Eventually he relented and found himself opening the letter with such care, not wanting to damage it in any way.
The paper emanated her scent, he breathed her in as he cast his eyes over her intricate words and almost felt the warmth of her presence. On the surface, her presence caused a ripple of rage to course through him but for some reason, deep down, the thought of her presence still comforted him. Even after what she had done to him. Completely and utterly shattered every aspect of his life. As well as killed three innocent people.
He focused his eyes to the letter and took in her words.
There is something wrong with me, I’m sure you know. My heart is black inside and I think perhaps it always was. When I found you I had almost given up completely – in every sense. Too many times I had been manipulated and taken advantage of. I have been hurt in ways human beings should not even be able to comprehend. I know this does not excuse or justify anything I did, not in the slightest. I guess I am merely trying to help you understand why I did what I did.
He noticed how she only referred to ‘what she did’ vaguely; he wouldn’t even dare to hope that she would make such an obvious mistake as to admit her role in where he now sat. Her actions being the only factor leading to this grey, bleak cell. Her words were trying to sound like an apology. He knew he would find no mention of ‘sorry’ in this letter but this was as direct as it would get. If she was even in the slightest bit sorry then why didn’t she come clean? Or at least help him try to clear his name if she wouldn’t admit her own guilt. He clenched his jaw in frustration as he read on.
I thought my life would end with me in a ditch, disposed of by some evil, rotten soul. I saw my life going that way and I did nothing to intervene or change direction. Quite frankly, I saw nothing in this world worth staying for. Then I met you. You, my dear, changed everything. You have made everything worthwhile, even just knowing you. I was, and very much still am, obsessed with you. Not necessarily with being with you, although that definitely used to be the case, but merely obsessed with having an impact on your life. When we were together, I think it’s fair to say I had the biggest impact on your life than anyone else ever had or will have.
I know you loved me more than you wanted to. What I don’t know, is why you didn’t want to love me so. Damaged and stained I may be but does that make me unworthy of the depths of your love? You think I didn’t notice the way you looked at me, as though you thought the world would end without me? And yet you drove us to destruction with your games and mistresses. You started this. You! What gave you the right to do that to us? Everybody hurts me and you joined in the fun. I couldn’t take it, not from you. I love you more than anything else in this hopeless world. When you pushed me away without a second thought, you triggered something in me which I have suppressed for many years. The series of events which followed were regrettable but necessary, I’m afraid. Now you are in prison which is where you belong, sweetheart, for the crimes you committed against me. I simply had to carry out a few unsavoury acts in order to get you where you belong.
He pulled his eyes away from the letter and dropped it to the floor. He was reaching near the end but the frustration and feelings of nausea were taking over him. He let out a deafening scream of rage and viciously punched the wall three times. He sat down on his bed, hand in agony, and looked up to the ceiling. The grey ceiling. It was in fact white but now he saw everything in grey and had no hope of ever seeing colour again. Her words were vindictive and spiteful, even after what she had done that wasn’t enough. The despair set in that she truly intended to leave him here. He would die in here, he thought to himself, most likely not from old age either. People in here were not so very fond of women killers, especially attractive women. He had already had the luxury of finding out the extent of this view and had a bruised and swollen jaw to prove it.
Reading her words, this insight into her mind, was sickening. He couldn’t believe how her mind worked. He couldn’t believe that he had loved her so fiercely and somehow, shockingly, still did. Elena was the only one who knew his innocence. She was all he had left. She was his only hope of ever being free of this nightmare which she had inflicted. It was a repulsive catch-22 he found himself in. Despite the turmoil her words had already put him in, he found himself unable to resist reading the rest of the letter. He could almost hear her voice, with a self righteous tone, as he read each word.
I like I love the thought that I know exactly where you are. I know exactly what you are doing – which is probably nothing! Most importantly; no other women and no distractions from your thoughts of me. I am also very comforted, I hope you’ll be pleased to know, with the thought that I know you will be thinking of me. How could you not, when you are there because of me?
We could have been the most beautiful love story, you and I, if only you had let us be. Now look what we have become, a horror story. A nightmare. Because of you. So with that I will leave you with a few last words. I love you and I hope you rot in prison. Don’t bother writing back, sweetie, because by the time you read this I will certainly be gone -to wherever it is we go.
Yours forever and always,
Panic had hit him like a brick in his gut. What did she mean, gone? Gone where?
“No, she’s my only hope! NO! Elena you can’t do this, what have you done?” He started shouting to himself or to anyone that would listen. He called desperately for the guards and told them of the situation. They didn’t seem to be doing anything, he had to find out what she had done.
From the back of his mind, a thought crept forward. Perhaps this was her last act, a few simple words to make him lose any last drop of hope he had. Maybe she was carrying on her life as normally as is possible for her, wanting him to think her gone forever, and with her his hope. Could this be her last way of trying to have an impact on him, she was capable of anything, he thought to himself.